It's Wednesday, Hump Day.
Today I'm excited. I'm going to have lunch with my very good friend Rhonda. Rhonda and I have been friends for a very long time and we have some really great Pee and Throw up stories. You know the kind of stories that happen when you're out with your very best friend in the whole world. You know they are your very best friend because who else would hold your hair while you threw up or the towel why you stripped down to your birthday suit on the side of a busy highway.
One story is the night that she and I were each other's Valentine's Date.....
We dressed up and were H-O-T, hot that night. We decided to stay local and went to a bar called the Officers' Club. Now this is a very LOW key bar that is no longer in existence. It's was on the outskirts of a small town called Harrah. It was a dive. BUT we were the sexiest things that had been in there in a long time. We were looking for attention and we got it! We had all our teeth. That made us angelic and dazzling to the local men.
And the drinks started coming! and coming and coming and coming. We danced, and drank and celebrated Single-Awareness Day together, with about 20 eligible men that were clearly excited that we were inebriated. Well, I was especially inebriated, cause that's how I rolled. I was on a mission. A mission to forget that it was Valentines Day and to forget my name. It worked too, for a little while.
Then I started to feel sick.
The rest is sort of a haze. Gaps were filled in the following day by my very bestest friend, Rhonda.
I remember going outside because I suddenly got very very hot. Too much liquor, too much dancing, too much spinning. It was cold outside (Remember this is February 14th in Oklahoma). I remember a cowboy leading me outside for "fresh air." I think he was a gentleman, because he led me to his truck and propped me up on the drivers side seat. Where I promptly started to dry heave. I'm not sure how long I was out there, but I remember Rhonda coming to find me.
she says, "I was immediately defensive because this man has taken my girlfriend outside and is wanting to take her home. I stalled him.... 'she doesn't have her jacket, she needs her jacket'. Cowboy offers to go inside and get it. While Cowboy is gone Christine starts throwing up again. Oh Lord. Holding her hair back, and looking around the parking lot I'm impressed....At least she's picked the nicest truck in the parking lot to throw up in.
Cowboy is going to be back soon. I have to get Christine's butt in my truck and get us out of here before he comes back. It was nothing short of a miracle that we made it out of that bar un-violated and with our teeth still intact. Cowboy was coming out of the bar as I threw gravel leaving the parking lot."
Pull over, I'm gonna throw up.
If I pull over Cowboy is going to catch up to us. "Tough. Hold it. Don't you throw up in my truck!"
We make it home to Christine's house. I immediately help her into her sleep clothes to get her settled in.
(almost uninterpretable) I wanna wear my glow in the dark nightie
"Um...no. Wear this." and I hand her a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that were already in the bathroom floor.
(with the slur of a true drunk) That's the one's - Seeeee they gllllooooow....
Put her to bed and she passes out. Happy Valentine's Day, Friend.
**NEXT MORNING**
I wake up to a pounding in my head. I'm pretty sure my brains had been removed and replaced with cotton balls and needles and pins, which is why it hurts to try to think. Think. What the hell happened last night. I can't open my eyes. I was dehydrated. My throat was parched and dry. I need to get up, but I can't move. Um... WTF? Someone is in bed with me. OMG What did I do?! Think think think. I can't think my head hurts. think. Oh Shit! Was it that Cowboy? I'm afraid to look. Oh God. He's MOVING. I'm just going to lay here and play dead. I want to die anyway. Convenient. I can hear him getting dressed and moving around. Is he stealing my valuables? I don't even care right now, just LEAVE. Oh, I can't look. Oh God, if I live through this I will NEVER drink again. ever. I hear a vehicle starting. He left, THANK GOD.
I'm still in tons of self inflicted pain, but rationally realize I should shower and try to determine if I was violated. Washing my hair was the worst, because I can feel every shower drop land. It's like warfare in the privacy of my own bathroom. I want to die. I check my girly parts. I whine to myself, 'I CAN'T TELL!' Oh Lord. Kill me now.
I get out of the shower and get dressed. I wonder how I even got home. I start to piece it together. I went out with Rhonda....we drank...heavily....there was a cowboy...there was vomit...and a truck....OH GOD! That WAS Cowboy that just left! Ohgod.ohgod.ohgod!!!
I called Rhonda, in tears. Well, as many tears as I could since I was so dehydrated there wasn't much bodily fluids left.
hello.
Rhonda? Oh MY GOD!
What?
Someone just left my house! He was in my bed!
What? Who was it?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
I don't know. He was there this morning and I got scared and he left and I took a shower and...
You took a shower?
Yes. I wanted to wash off whatever.....
You took a shower?
Yes. I wanted...
You Goof! If you've had time to take a shower, that was ME that left.
And THAT internetz is the time that Rhonda was my Valentine's Date....Uh oh....Valentine's is coming up again... I wonder if she'll ask me out?
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