A quick catch-up

I have been a terrible blogger. Terrible.
I know you have all been anxiously awaiting to hear about my fabulous adventures...Let me catch you up....

We had tornado's!

and we had hail

Pretty devastating.

 

My home was spared - but I do have some roof damage. I will be working on getting a new roof in the next month or so.

 

this is 23rd street - by my office. It created a sink-hole. CRaZY!!

I participated in the dirty 30 race!! I got DIRTY!! and made some great new friends!! Next year Duncan is racing with me...Such a worthy cause too!!

Mother's Day has happened too...this is the card I made for my mom...she loved it!! Mostly because it was hand made and not store bought. She hates people spending money on cards.

Easter Happened too.... I am so ashamed of myself... I can't believe I haven't blogged in so long. I'm so sorry internetz.... I will do better. Anyway, these lovely ladies are my two baby cousins. Julie and Lily.  I need to go get them again soon!

Duncan had a play at school....he's the shortest kid...remember? He did really good... I may have the next Tom Cruise under my roof.

There was a crawdad cook out at the lake... I was only able to stay for just a while. Good times, though!

Jax stole tactically acquired, heavy equipment and was able to remove some tree stumps out of the yard. I'm so thankful....now, maybe one day....I will have a nice back yard...

Lily had a BIRTHDAY...although Lily isn't in this picture... we are her guests :)
I took Jaida, she's my little niece....I need to get her again soon too. I kinda miss not having little people at home...Did I just say that?? Thank GOD my tubes are tied!!!

Oh and we lost. Next Year Thunder fans... next year!

Now that was a fast recap of what all has happened since I blogged last, and in no particular order. I just scrolled though some picture I had on my phone. I'm sure I forgot about TONS of stuff.... sorry.

 

 

Games I play

I don't think this is normal, but I play games with myself...almost ALL of the time. I'm not talking about the mind games that boys play with girls in the dating world. I'm talking about games, in my head, that no one else knows about except me. These games are not challenging, really. and they are by no means difficult to play. but for whatever reason, i find them very entertaining and rewarding; especially when I win.


One of my favorite games is the "Car Game". When I see three of the same model car parked in a row in a parking lot or driving down the street, I win. For example, if there are three VW Jetta's all parked next to each other in a lot, I win the game. Just like that. It's simple. I get bonus points (obviously) if all three Jetta's are the same color. That's only happened once for me though. It just so happened to be when I was passing a parking lot for a utility company and there were a whole lot of white Priuses lined up in the lot. And I mean hundreds! I kind of had a field day with that win! Some might say it's cheating. But then again, no one really knows that I am playing these games, so there is no chance of ever getting called out on my game playing tactics.

A new fun game I like to play with myself is the "Facebook Game". I click on my profile and then look at the friends section. There is a algorithm on Facebook that randomly selects 8 friends profile pictures to appear underneath your own profile picture. If I dated ANY of the 8 friends who appear in the random 8, I win the game. I don't win this game too often but I do play the "Facebook Game" quite a bit. I just keep hitting refresh until I eventually win the game. It's especially rewarding to win at this game because my chances of winning are fairly slim. I still remember the night when two ex-boyfriends photos appeared at the same time. I think I actually let out a yelp. As you can imagine, that was a pretty exciting win for me!

Hoffman Management, LLC

When you're wading (or drowning) in the dating pool, sometimes you'll have dates that feel more like job interviews. There's the first date (initial interview), second date (call-back for a second interview) and if you make it to the third date and realize you wish to no longer see them anymore, you then have to deal with letting them know this. I've discussed the many ways this could be done with a guy friend of mine. (you know-in person, via text messaging...kidding) While he was sipping (lots of) tequila from his livingroom, he drafted this open letter for me...that I will now share with you. Feel free to personalize to your liking and save to your hard drive for future use:

Dear      ,

It is with regret that we inform you that you are no longer being considered for the position of Future Mr. Hoffman. While your references were excellent and your background would have appeared to be a strong fit for our culture, other considerations prevent us from being able to offer you the position at this time.We will keep your application on file, though we believe that your embarrassing table manners as well as your inability to dress yourself for public viewing does not make us optimisitic of any future callbacks. Instead, we will keep you under consideration for any future openings in the "Guy Friend" position, where there are exciting career opportunities available for those that wish to hear Christine bitch about the guys that she shouldn't be dating, because they are brainless imbeciles. In this role, you will receive training to say and mean the phrases "you're better than that", "he's a douchbag", and "that's what happens when you lower your standards and slum it". In the event that this role does not prove to be to your satisfaction, we wish you the best in the future.


Sincerely,


Hoffman Management, LLC

100Khomes.org

Can you imagine?

It’s an Oklahoma January. Holidays are over, and people’s holiday spirits seem to harden once again. No more ringing bells at the department stores. Everyone’s lives start drifting back to normal and that means no more focus on those that are less fortunate.

It’s a frigid evening. Temperatures are expected to drop below freezing for the next 3 days. The weather man warns of impending weather. Opal, a tall, leathered skinned woman in her 60s, doesn’t hear these warnings, because she doesn’t have a TV. Opal lives on the street in downtown Oklahoma City. She has a spot in the woods just south of the highway. Opal doesn’t stay in the camps. Opal stays to herself. A survival skill she perfected long ago.

As it gets colder and colder Opal knows she needs to start seeking shelter inside. Even though the dense trees in the woods, where she normally stays blocks the bone-chilling wind, they are not enough shelter on a night like tonight. Opal can tell you it’s about 22 degrees outside, because she’s been on the Oklahoma City streets for 5 years now. She could probably predict the weather better than our local new casters and tell you what time of day it is based on the migration of the other homeless in the area. You see her time revolves around meals at the local shelters. Opal can also tell you it’s after Christmas because the supplies like blankets and knit hats, which were abundant during December, are now scarce.  Opal lost her hat during an altercation at a shelter earlier in the week. She liked that hat too, it was pale blue; it almost matched her eyes.

Shelter is top priority tonight. “If you keep moving and don’t stop the cold doesn’t seem so bad.” Opal couldn’t go to the regular shelter, because they have rules. She was in a fight. She can’t go back for a while. Opal has some back up plans because she’s no rookie at Oklahoma weather. There are a couple of abandoned properties that she could go to for the night. She’s done it many times when the elements were just too rough. She had a regular place off Blackweilder, but somebody burned it down last spring. It was nice too… it had a well pump in the back that pumped fresh water. Tonight she was headed to Hudson street. A local salvage yard was there, that she was sure she could find a car to get in.

Can you Imagine? Now, what have you done to make the world a better place today? If you can’t give money, give time. Find a cause and volunteer.

Super Powers

I'm not feeling very funny today because I'm depressed about my superpower.

You see, for the past two years I've had a superpower. I always wanted to have one, but when I finally got it, well, it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for. It just figures I'd wind up with something embarrassing and stupid instead of cool and sexy like Wonder Woman, or Batgirl, or Buffy.

You see, I'm Period Woman and my super power is the ability to bleed from my uterus every two weeks  without dying.

I suppose my superhuman bleeding would be a little more intimidating and impressive if I had AIDS or some other dreaded disease, but I don't and so I've got nothing. "Get back Joker or I'll bleed on you!" doesn't carry quite the same clout as "Get back Joker or I'll beat the ever loving shit out of you!"

It just doesn't.

It would be somewhat of a consolation if I got to wear a sexy and sleek costume like Wonder Woman's. But Period Woman's costume involves elastic waisted sweatpants, complete with a rope holster made of tied together tampons for holding my bottle of Midol, my supply of chocolate bars, and my knife in case I have to shank some motherfucker. My cape is made of maxi pads with wings pasted together by their adhesive strips and I have an empty potato chip bag with eye holes cut out for a mask.

I've tried to jump out of my bathroom window to see if I could fly, but I can't because I'm too heavy from all the water retention.

At least my padded cape broke my fall and I escaped without injury.

I suppose having a sexy costume is right out anyway because I look more like The Tick than Wonder Woman.

Nobody wants to see The Tick in Wonder Woman's outfit.

Nobody.

In case you were wondering, my other superpowers include:

• the ability to poof out and break out 6 times more than normal thereby giving me the appearance of a Puffer Fish.
• Instead of being smart and powerful, I'm always confused and weak from hormones and blood loss
• Extreme mood swings so I don't know if I want to hug you or rip your ugly fucking face off
• Fat Albert style eating binges.
• irrational behavior such as signing the signature pad at the grocery store self checkout "fuck you" because it wouldn't accept my coupons, or yelling out of my car window "nice blinker ass munch!" at some old lady in a Buick Skylark

These are not things superheroes are typically seen doing.

I've tied to give my superpowers back, but nothing I try seems to work. I went on the pill, which does work, but it turns me into a Frigid Woman instead of Period Woman which is really very bad.

I've considered going to some dirty hippy...err a herbalist or something for help but they'll probably just tell me to drink some sort of tea that smells like feet and tastes like Satan's seman 39 times per day and I don't know, but I think I'd rather just bleed to death in that case.

I've tried to reason with my uterus, but that didn't go well.

I'm all like, "Uterus, There's no need for this. Please be reasonable."

and she's all "Bitch, I do what I want. I'm a uterus."

and then I'm all "I'll suck you out with my Dyson right now if that's how you're going to be about."

and she's all, "fuck off. I'll bleed right now if you don't quit buggin."

and I'm like "Bring it on!"

and she's like "fine I will."

And the whole thing just goes nowhere and I wind up punching myself in the tummy and people stare at me and it's just not behavior befitting a superhero.

To say the least.

So I guess I'm just stuck with this superpower for better or worse.

I guess all superheros feel burdened by their superpowers sometimes don't they?

Will you Be my Valentine?

It's Wednesday, Hump Day.

Today I'm excited. I'm going to have lunch with my very good friend Rhonda. Rhonda and I have been friends for a very long time and we have some really great Pee and Throw up stories. You know the kind of stories that happen when you're out with your very best friend in the whole world. You know they are your very best friend because who else would hold your hair while you threw up or the towel why you stripped down to your birthday suit on the side of a busy highway.

One story is the night that she and I were each other's Valentine's Date.....

We dressed up and were H-O-T, hot that night. We decided to stay local and went to a bar called the Officers' Club. Now this is a very LOW key bar that is no longer in existence. It's was on the outskirts of a small town called Harrah. It was a dive. BUT we were the sexiest things that had been in there in a long time. We were looking for attention and we got it! We had all our teeth. That made us angelic and dazzling to the local men.

And the drinks started coming! and coming and coming and coming. We danced, and drank and celebrated Single-Awareness Day together, with about 20 eligible men that were clearly excited that we were inebriated. Well, I was especially inebriated, cause that's how I rolled. I was on a mission. A mission to forget that it was Valentines Day and to forget my name. It worked too, for a little while.

Then I started to feel sick.

The rest is sort of a haze. Gaps were filled in the following day by my very bestest friend, Rhonda.

I remember going outside because I suddenly got very very hot. Too much liquor, too much dancing, too much spinning. It was cold outside (Remember this is February 14th in Oklahoma). I remember a cowboy leading me outside for "fresh air." I think he was a gentleman, because he led me to his truck and propped me up on the drivers side seat. Where I promptly started to dry heave. I'm not sure how long I was out there, but I remember Rhonda coming to find me.

she says, "I was immediately defensive because this man has taken my girlfriend outside and is wanting to take her home. I stalled him.... 'she doesn't have her jacket, she needs her jacket'. Cowboy offers to go inside and get it. While Cowboy is gone Christine starts throwing up again. Oh Lord. Holding her hair back, and looking around the parking lot I'm impressed....At least she's picked the nicest truck in the parking lot to throw up in.

Cowboy is going to be back soon. I have to get Christine's butt in my truck and get us out of here before he comes back. It was nothing short of a miracle that we made it out of that bar un-violated and with our teeth still intact. Cowboy was coming out of the bar as I threw gravel leaving the parking lot."

Pull over, I'm gonna throw up.

If I pull over Cowboy is going to catch up to us. "Tough. Hold it. Don't you throw up in my truck!"
We make it home to Christine's house. I immediately help her into her sleep clothes to get her settled in.

(almost uninterpretable) I wanna wear my glow in the dark nightie

"Um...no. Wear this." and I hand her a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that were already in the bathroom floor.

(with the slur of a true drunk) That's the one's - Seeeee they gllllooooow....

Put her to bed and she passes out. Happy Valentine's Day, Friend.


**NEXT MORNING**

I wake up to a pounding in my head. I'm pretty sure my brains had been removed and replaced with cotton balls and needles and pins, which is why it hurts to try to think. Think. What the hell happened last night. I can't open my eyes. I was dehydrated. My throat was parched and dry. I need to get up, but I can't move. Um... WTF? Someone is in bed with me. OMG What did I do?! Think think think. I can't think my head hurts. think. Oh Shit! Was it that Cowboy? I'm afraid to look. Oh God. He's MOVING. I'm just going to lay here and play dead. I want to die anyway. Convenient. I can hear him getting dressed and moving around. Is he stealing my valuables? I don't even care right now, just LEAVE. Oh, I can't look. Oh God, if I live through this I will NEVER drink again. ever. I hear a vehicle starting. He left, THANK GOD.

I'm still in tons of self inflicted pain, but rationally realize I should shower and try to determine if I was violated. Washing my hair was the worst, because I can feel every shower drop land. It's like warfare in the privacy of my own bathroom. I want to die. I check my girly parts. I whine to myself, 'I CAN'T TELL!' Oh Lord. Kill me now.

I get out of the shower and get dressed. I wonder how I even got home. I start to piece it together. I went out with Rhonda....we drank...heavily....there was a cowboy...there was vomit...and a truck....OH GOD! That WAS Cowboy that just left! Ohgod.ohgod.ohgod!!!

I called Rhonda, in tears. Well, as many tears as I could since I was so dehydrated there wasn't much bodily fluids left.

hello.
Rhonda? Oh MY GOD!
What?
Someone just left my house! He was in my bed!
What? Who was it?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
I don't know. He was there this morning and I got scared and he left and I took a shower and...
You took a shower?
Yes. I wanted to wash off whatever.....
You took a shower?
Yes. I wanted...
You Goof! If you've had time to take a shower, that was ME that left.


And THAT internetz is the time that Rhonda was my Valentine's Date....Uh oh....Valentine's is coming up again... I wonder if she'll ask me out?

Chick Flicks. I like them.

How to lose a guy in 10 days.

It was a cheesy, no-brainer, chick-flick. and I LOVED it!  I know, I enjoyed Mathew McConaughey in Magic Mike, but this little flick has sparked a new interest. Matthew McConaughey is my newest pretend husband. I have several.

Ryan

  

Matthew

Adam

Channing Tatum, Adam Levine.  John Goodman. Mark Wahlberg. Ryan Gosling. Hugh Jackman. Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Blake Shelton. Bradley Cooper. Eric Church. and the list is growing....

What is the point of this "pretend husband" list? Point is, if the opportunity ever presents itself, and I'm in a monogamous relationship, these men are pre-exempt. I get a weekend pass. I know, smart huh?!

Now does my guy friend have the same option? Absolutely, but his pretend wife better be on the list! But who am I to hold a man back if he gets the opportunity to bed Kate Beckinsale or Jennifer Aniston? As long as she's on his list, he'll get a pass. Who knows, maybe she's stay overnight and make me breakfast... Now THAT would be AWESOME!

The key to a pretend husband is that this person is unobtainable AND partner is aware of the list. This isn't something you spring on a man on your way out the door if aforementioned opportunity presents itself. I mention my pretend husband list often to anyone who will listen to me. Because I also like to think that if I voice it, it will eventually come true. and Channing and I have so MUCH to catch up on.

You want a pretend husband or wife now, don't ya?
Who would be on your list?

Illegal Activity

Hey Internetz, if you know me on a personal basis, and have ever come to my house, you will know that I live directly behind a cemetery. I mean it is literally in my back yard.

Now having a cemetery in the backyard has all kinds of positive benefits, but the top three:

1) you have the most rockin' Halloween Parties EVER!!
2) Neighbors are pretty quite
3) Never run out of pretty flowers

It's not all coming up roses over there, though. I have a couple of negative things that happen too.
Most recently... THIS

Darn picture won't import right, ugh...nothing is easy!!!

Now I'm looking out my back patio doors and I see this older model 4-door sedan type car pull up. Trunk open. Shovel handle hanging out and at least 2 LARGE black plastic bags inside.  A very mafia looking man gets out of the drivers side, and starts to dig. Not in an existing grave, but on the side of the path.

I have my daughter verify what I think I'm seeing, which she did. I calmly, but quickly closed all the blinds and turned out the lights, and made the kids sit in the dark until the stranger was gone.

The things I endure for Rock-Star Halloween Status!

Hatin'

Going to the grocery store is one of those chores that I hate to do. Always has been. It's a little more pleasant IF I have company with me, but I still would rather have my toenails removed with needle-nosed pliers; than spend $200 on one small trip to the grocery store.....and then there is still NOTHING to eat!

I also hate putting gas in my car. I'm not sure why. I know I prefer to go to stations that pump it for me, but those are few and far between. I fill up and top it off every time, so that I don't have to go back for at least 3 days. Yes. I said THREE days. I drive. A. LOT.

I hate driving in the "City". There are so many one-way streets and I get so turned around. I mean, I know my directions, North-East-South-West, but I'm lost when you say "know where the Holiday Inn is on Meridian?" Ummmm.... that's a hotel right? In the City? on a street? ummm....No. I have no clue where that is. West maybe?

I also detest putting away laundry. I don't know why. It just seems that I look around and I have clean folded laundry on the kitchen table from last week. I mean we've ate at least 5 sit-down meals around this laundry all week long. I guess we just push it aside, because NOBODY makes an effort to put it away. NOBODY. Finally I'll get fed up and take it to my room, where it will sit on my dresser until I decide I'm going to wear it again.....I have TONS of clothes, but I only seem to wear the SAME things 90% of the time. What does that say about me? Other than the obvious, I'm lazy.

What else do I hate, oh....yes.... LEAVES. I think they should all be annihilated. Not while they are on the trees, but the minute they hit the ground. ZAP. vaporized. I hate leaves because I have over 100 trees on my property and they all POOP leaves. I'm ASS deep in leaves and I hate it. They end up everywhere. In the garage, in my car, in the kitchen floor.... I've even found a leaf or two in my bed!

I am recently learning to hate exercise. Jumping Jacks because I feel like I'm wetting my pants with each count and crunches Because that shit HURTS. I do 10 solid minutes of cardio of a morning and 20 at night. So now I dread morning and evenings.

I also hate hangovers, sun burns, dirty diapers, vomit, people that don't use their blinkers, cold coffee, death, periods, taxes, dirty laundry, moldy shower curtains, flat tires, cold showers, morning breath, rotten eggs, insurance underwriters, credit bureau, cavities, cramps, bladder infections, gum on my shoe, burnt out light bulbs, absence of toilet paper, public bathrooms, lost keys, and broken hearts.

Wow! I'm in a hatin' mood. Must be winter. Cause I hate the cold the most.

potty pants

Jumping Jacks = dribble drawers.
Seriously.
WTF?!

Is it because I'm 40 and my insides have dropped?
Is it because of high mileage and battle damage my gynecologist refers to?
Is it because I've had 2 kids? - one was over 9lbs.
Is it because I didn't do all those damn kegels exercises?

Is it time for a bladder lift?
While we're lifting, let's go ahead and do a tummy tuck and throw in some boobs.
That should do me.
Unless you're paying, then let's get some liposuction on the hips and ass.
That should do me.
Well, since we're going to do all that, how about some permanent makeup and a face lift.
NOW... that should be all.

oh, all THAT should qualify me for a NEW name.... and occupation... oh no....
I don't want to be a hooker....

That escalated quickly.

January Agenda sans photos...

I think I almost died last night while exercising. I'm almost certain I caught a glimpse of Jesus and he was preparing a room for me.

I would provide photos, but for some reason this blog isn't allowing me to post pictures! I've called my sister to see if she's had trouble and .... of course, hers works fine. I guess Jesus didn't want his picture taken, and as it turns out, my room wasn't ready.

That's about par for the course. Nothing comes easy for me. nothing.

So since I can't display pictures I have several stories I've been holding back on.
One is a hooker story and one is about someone burying a body. In my backyard! I know. Now you're on the edge of your seats Internetz. BOTH stories are awesome, but both will have have to wait, until I can upload the pictures....

In the mean time, I will give you a little peek as to what to expect from me in the following weeks.

1) I heard from a very dear and lovely friend yesterday, we're going to be having lunch one day next week. I haven't figured out where yet, but it's gonna have to be someplace relatively healthy. You see I've been exercising (remember I met Jesus) and she told me she's lost 98 pounds! WAY TO GO GIRLFRIEND!! We have lots to catch up on and I can't wait to see her!

2) I have volunteered to participate in a nationwide count. I will be going to the Oklahoma County Jail and counting inmates that are considered homeless and doing a questionnaire for a project called ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND Homes. This is going to take place over the course of 3 days. I won't be able to provide pictures, since I'm not allowed to take my phone into the jail with me. I am just crossing my fingers and hoping that they don't keep me.  I work with some folks that might leave me behind just for giggles.

3) I start my United Way Community Volunteer Committee. I think I will be on subcommittee 15 this year, which covers; Goodwill Industries of Central Oklahoma, The Homeless Alliance, Positive  Tomorrows, and the Salvation Army. All valuable and worthy causes. If you would like to donate time and energy to some phenomenal non-profits, holler, I can send you in a good direction.

4) I have a dental appointment, with a hot new tribal dentist...Dr. Youngblood. Don't get too excited internetz, I think he's 12. It should just be a standard cleaning, but seriously, nothing in my life is simple or standard or easy.

......picture uploads STILL aren't working. Damnit.

Facebook Status: It's complicated

What does a relationship status mean to you?

I have recently been confronted about my commitment issues. I won't use staples, I use paperclips. I don't have ONE bank, I have two. I don't have a gym contract, a primary doctor or a favorite primary color. No favorite foods or restaurants. About the only thing I have committed to, in the last two years, is my Sunday afternoon dates with my brother John.  We play air hockey in the shop from 12:15 - 12:45. Sharp. And just for clarification, When he wins. I LET him win...grrrr...

Anyway, I've been confronted with the "relationship talk" a time or two in the last couple of years. I quickly try to divert to a new topic and holler at the waitress for a cold beer.  If I'm drunk, current topics are invalid. True Story. Typically a guy is quite content with my commitment issues because he has no intentions on actually being committed anyway. This is usually just his half-hearted attempt to assure himself that I'm monogamous. And THAT, internetz, is a RED FLAG that this man has no intentions of breaking down my barriers, so the relationship is off before it even began. Whew.

Disaster averted. Until now.

It seems someone has called me out on my ways. Someone has dared to say, that I'm feeding them bullshit. Someone has stepped up to the challenge of breaking down the walls. Someone as gone so far as to change his relationship status on FACEBOOK! Shit just got REAL. But seriously. He verbally acknowledged that I've been hurt and said he knows it's his job to make me comfortable again. That has never happened before. This scores MAJOR points with me. Usually I'm left behind because I'm clearly a lot of work. Internetz! Are you hearing what I'm saying? He seems to want to break down the walls. with something other than his dick.

We may have a keeper.

Hookerville

I saw my first hooker Saturday night at the bricktown ball park. She wasn't "at" the park, she walked by it. Several times. Clearly her block. And an impressive 'walk' it was. She was in the highest heels I've ever seen in my life.

Why was I in hookerville? No, I was not looking for part-time employment. I could never be a hooker. Those heels are just too HIGH. I was there because new guy friend invited me and the kids to go snow-sledding at the ball park. It's pretty awesome if you get a chance to go.

I almost had to turn down this fun, exciting, adventure. Why? Because THE BOY. Duncan. Duncan was suspended from school *gasp*.  I know, I know. I couldn't believe it either. What did he do? Well, what do most 6th graders do to get suspended from school? Fighting. 

BUT.... Master Duncan was only defending himself and his property, so I didn't have to impose any serious infractions. There are consequences, but nothing like they could have been. Let's just say, I bet that other little boy doesn't take Duncan's brand-new-just-got-for-Christmas-Michael-Jordan-backpack EVER.again. (or anyone else's).

So back to the ballpark. It was so much fun. It's too late to go back again this year, but next year, if you get a chance - you will have to make that adventure a priority. I will say though, it's not for the weak. If you get cold easily, you will end up in the truck. If you get winded fast (I'll show you a shortcut to the top). If you take a trash can lid, you will slam hard into the man-made barriers. Dress warm. And bring a thermos.

After no less than 15 times down the winter-side, we ventured across the street to the IHOP. International House of Pancakes. We had the best company and I laughed until my stomach hurt!

There is nothing better than being surrounded by people who are so much fun, cherry on top was getting to watch the bar flies arrive when the local clubs shut down.  Note to self: There is a fine line between a hooker and a bar fly....or maybe it's just an inch on the heels...

Look at the background

Background...again...

Exercise or Exorcism

Exercise is sometimes like corporal punishment. We brutalize our poor little muscles mercilessly in hopes they’ll shape up as fast as possible. We stress and strain them, oftentimes beyond their capacity, and then wonder why they seek revenge the day after, or the day after that. They’re smart little boogers. They can tie you up like a pretzel on crack.

Yes, they’re sneaky little bastards!

Jax’s favorite phrase, “Do twenty more”.

I’d look at him with my best ‘fuck you’ glare.

Twenty more and they’ll be picking out a pine box for me. Twenty more and I might be picking out a pine box for him.

“My fat does not want to do 20 more,” I’d tell him.

He’d glance at my gut knowing this would hit home. I’d cuss him under my breath but start counting.

“One, two, three…” bastard!

By the 12th curl, I’d feel that muscular flame sensation building itself up to bonfire status.

“Why are we using such big weights,” I’d ask while trying desperately to suck in a breath.

“They’re only two pounds,” he’d say.

“Oh,” I’d say turning the weight so I could make sure he wasn’t bullshitting me!

The thing about Jax is that he’s already done all the work he needs to on himself, so he’s well aware of the pain he’s inflicting. Does he emote any sympathy toward me as I struggle through each exercise? Hell no!

Jax and Bruzer

We may have to break up.

Punishment or Probation?

Duncan has been suspended from school for 3 days for fighting.

I don't have much information at the moment but I will fill you in as I find out.

I'm headed home to strangle my little tax deduction!

That dirty little word.... DIET

So it's the New Year, time for the inevitable I'm-going-to-be-healthier resolution.

Just like 100s of others, I'm going to give exercise a shot. Not only because I've gained 10 pounds since August, but because I have a new guy friend...and said friend, is into fitness. I know, internetz, I know. I've tried to convert him to fried, greasy, fatty artery clogging foods...but, he has not given into my unhealthy charm and lifestyle. Not only has he NOT given in, he's suggest I (gasp) join him with fitness. I countered with, "I've had 2 babies" He blocks with, "11 years ago". Take THAT self-esteem.

He's using BIG words I don't completely understand, like - Cardio. When I hear a word like "cardio" I think it should probably mean one of two things.

1) A hot new Milton-Bradley game that combines the rules from bingo using everyday playing cards. Together they form a brand new masterpiece called C-A-R-D-I-O

or

2) I'll put my sixth grade science education to use and concoct the Cardio means Heart. Heart means Love. Love means Sex. Sex means somebody is losing a trailer.

I have a sneaky feeling that neither of the above are the correct answer, and I don't own a trailer...anymore. - that's a whole different story.

He's also used other words like Carbs, Protein, and Fats...good fats...bad fats....and then my head just starts to spin. I start feeling queasy and BAM, I need two sick days from work.

So Guy Friend has gone so far as to join the GYM...He sent me this picture.

(I'm trying to insert a photo, but for some reason it won't let me) just imagine 2 REALLY buff men and floor to ceiling mirrors.... NO....they are at the GYM!! Remove that bed from your imagination right now! Think GYM.

Maybe it's not the actual exercise that I'm afraid of, maybe it's more the mirrors and florescent lighting. I mean, think of the last time you went to find a bathing suit. For me, this was a tramatic event and I ended up going home and staying drunk for 3 days. But, at least there was privacy behind a locked door and all the fat jiggle was quietly contained. You could find the bathing suit that was the most flattering before revealing to all the unsuspecting tourists at the local water-theme park.

I believe I have talked him into at least letting me start out in the privacy of my own home. I'll take pictures of the event and, of course, photoshop so you viewers will be able to track my progress.
You'll have to keep checking back, because ME exercising is going to make for some funny stories.