Just.No.

Scenario 1: You're on a dating website and you have been exchanging messages with an attractive woman who you strongly believe is interested in seeing your penis. She hasn't exactly come right out and asked you about your penis, but you're pretty sure she wants to see it. Like, 60% sure. Also, you're drunk.
Should you send the lady a dick pic? No.

Scenario 2: You have this hot friend with whom you would not mind having sex. She's single and earlier in the evening you flirted via text message. She just sent you a winky emoticon, which everyone knows is code for "LET'S DO IT." I mean, she didn't expressly ask for a picture of your junk, but she must want it, right?
Should you send the lady a dick pic? No.

Scenario 3: You've been going out with a woman for a few weeks, so it's still in the fun stage before you've noticed how much you irritate each other. The sex is fun, and frequent, and great. You're spending a night apart; she's out with her friends. But you want her to know you're thinking about her in a sexy context.
Should you send the lady a dick pic? No.

Scenario 4: You're so mad at your ex girlfriend and you want to remind her that there's no possible way her new boyfriend's penis could measure up to your penis, which is great. Also, you're drunk. You're so, so drunk.
Should you send this lady a dick pic? God, seriously? No.

Scenario 5: You're flirting with this person who you follow on Twitter. It's gotten past the DM stage and you've exchanged phone numbers. You want to break the ice while making it clear that you, Captain Thundercock, will not be friend zoned.
Should you send the lady a dick pic? No.

Scenario 6: One of your female friends/your frat brother's girlfriend/your friend's sister is a total prude who needs to loosen up.
Should you send the lady a dick pic? No.

Scenario 7: You are a Musician and your ambitious, beautiful, and pregnant wife is never around and she's like no fun at all and you just want to feel LOVED and ADORED and your ego is hungry, hungry for approval. Tons of hot chicks follow you on Twitter and Facebook, because you are a Famous Musician, and you just know they want to see your junk. Your perfect, talented junk.
Should you send the lady a dick pic? No, you fucking creepy dumbass. No you should not.

Scenario 8: You know for a fact that the woman in question would like a picture of your penis because she specifically asked you for one.
Should you send the lady a dick pic? Is there any possibility whatsoever that one day that dick pic might be used to publicly embarrass you? If yes, then no.

There you have it, men —  Happy sexting.

Dodged that Bullet

Okay. I have to admit. I do not like confrontation. I avoid it if at all possible. Which makes dating difficult. Rejection sucks for everyone. It's especially hard since I know what a second date means, which is the end of the road... So how do I tell these men that they aren't the Future Mr. Hoffman?

Since I've only gone out with them twice, I don't really feel like I owe too much of an explanation. So, I don't tell them. I just stop answering all their texts. Which has been quite effective until today. A previous end-of-the-line-second-dater, called me out on my dating tactics. He dared to put me in my place. Attempted to make me seem immature and childish....He said, and I quote .... "I hope you're alright - I received no answer from you....not something adults usually do."

*GASP*

*stomping my foot* Did he NOT read the dating handbook? Isn't that the standard, to just not respond?
I didn't' make up these rules, they were there when I got here. *stomp my foot again*

So now I feel bad. I'm gonna have to go out with him on a 3rd date, out of guilt. I texted him back and explained my whole phone crashing incident, that I'm not childish and immature. I'm a victim of technology.  I agreed to meet him Sunday for lunch. He seemed okay with that...but then he said, "let me know where. I'm persistent but not stupid"

HOLD UP!!!
RED FLAG ON THE FIELD!! ^ ^ ^ that was passive aggressive statement and unwarranted.

So this morning, Sunday, he says, "I'm in Moore - As I mentioned yesterday tell me when/where. I won't hold my breath"

PENALTY FLAG!! ^ ^ ^ Passive aggressive and unwarranted..AGAIN.

Here is my OUT internetz!! I'm taking this ball and RUNNING with it!

I said... "That's twice now you've made a passive aggressive statement that has made me feel defensive.  I'm not willing to overcome obstacles that shouldn't be there.  Thank you for spending some of your time with me, but I think I'm too sensitive and scattered for us to be compatible."

BOOM! Nailed It.... Date off. Whew. Twisted that shit to his fault, I'm STILL the victim. I was really nervous about a 3rd date, too. I was not looking forward to second base.

If I'm gonna dream, might as well hallucinate..

So I am a serial dater.

But I've come by it honestly. Men are not men anymore. Well, the men I pick out don't seem to be.
Partly my fault I guess. I am attracted to the bad boys. I guess I think I can tame them.

I'm attracted to tall, handsome men, men that generally are below my social level. Men that are handsome enough, that they can EASILY pick up anyone, but tend to pick up strippers. (I am not a stripper) Maybe I'm hoping for that. No commitment. I know they'll eventually be tempted by a stipper, or hooter's girl, and leave. So I'm not stuck with them forever.  I think I'm destined to be my grandmother. My grandmother never married after her divorce in the 50s... you know when there was NO SUCH thing as divorce. She had cats. The original Cat Lady. I loved her, and all of her demons. Not cat demons, actual demons. She was schizophrenic. Hence the divorce, I guess. Anyway. she never remarried and lived for her children, grandchildren, great-grand children and her cats... and beer. The woman loved beer. I wish she were still alive, I'm ready to party with her now. I'll even heat my beer in the microwave in her honor.

Anyway. Back to dating. I choose the wrong men. So Internetz. I'm ready to let you pick for me! There are some deal breakers.... but below are my preferences, if I get a choice.

1. I want a man that PICKS UP THE TAB. I mean, you want to spend time with me. You need to make me want to stay and hang out. 
2. I want a man with no children, or independent children. I used to think I liked kids. Not so much anymore. at.all. Probably because I get pushed to the back if there is an option...(nobody puts baby in a corner). 
3. I want a man that has a plan. He should say. I'm coming to get you (or meet) and we are going Go-Cart racing, then diner. I'll have you home by midnight. Or he should say "You look beautiful" no matter HOW I look. 
4. I want a man that give compliments freely. You know I've gone on SEVERAL dates, and nobody has complimented my look. Maybe I'm not beautiful... I'll discuss it with my therapist. 
5. I want man with a job. Even self employed is fine, if it's sustainable. Why is this even a problem?
6. I want a man that chases me. Because face it. You're not getting past 2 dates otherwise. I won't call him. I won't text him. He will think I'm not interested, because I'm not. I'm not, because he hasn't chased me. I know twisted, pisses a lot of people off that I'm saying this, but it's true. I want to be chased. He has to buy ticket to concerts and say, "hey, I've got these... let's go" or "this movie is out, I want to see it with you". I want to be chased, and chased with things we can do together. Not just... "wanna meet for drinks, and you pay for your own"
7. I want a man that is willing to invest his time, money, energy and heart in me. 
8. I want a man that says to himself, "what have I done today to make her world a better place"

Face interentz I'm delusional.

Now for those wondering about my date last night.
He is VERY handsome. But, I kept thinking he reminded me of my younger cousin Martin. Who I would totally date (at least twice), except he's my cousin. So I was distracted by that a lot. He has a very deep, confident voice. I liked that. He is of average height (5'10"). That's not a deal breaker, but I typically fall for over 6' men. The deal breaker was THIS:  He's CHEAP. I made a gesture for the tab (halfheartedly) and he jumped on it. He DID hand me a $20 to go in on his half, but THAT was a deal breaker. I found my reason for not calling him back.... and it helps that my phone is FRIED and I can't call him back, because he is handsome. But, he clearly can't afford me. Hell, I can't afford me, but THAT's a different story. Oh and he is a Democrat.

Dating Score
C+

You always pick up the tab fellas. Especially if it's only $35 tab including tip. I would have considered a 3rd date for this one, had he not done that... And a third date could lead to 2nd Base....

Friday Night is almost here...

I have another 2nd date tonight.

This guy is Super Good Looking, but young. Late 30s.  Because I'm an EXCELLENT investigator, I can tell from stalking his facebook profile, he looks good with a beard and without, which is very hard to pull off.  I'm not sure how tall he is, because I had a little too much to drink on our first date, but I do remember an athletic build and incredibly blue eyes.  I would post a picture, but apparently we have friends in common on facebook, and I will NEVER kiss and tell.

I know he is employed. Something to do with parts in the oil field....RED FLAG...probably almost unemployed. He says his job isn't in jeopardy, but anything in the oil field is in jeopardy if you ask me. He has 2 kids, same age as my kids. Except he's a grandpa by his oldest... thankfully, I am NOT a G-ma. I'm too young to be a G-ma! On the plus side neither of the kids live with him. I can live with 2 kids, since I have two kids. BUT only because neither child lives in Oklahoma. They are both HOURS away.

SO... How is this going to go south? I can already tell...He's from Arkansas. Home of the Razorbacks. The state where the family tree grows straight up, like a pencil. Probably hates the Sooners. I mean, who can date someone that isn't a Sooners fan. That's sacrilegious. So this poor fella, is out before the second date. Transplant Okie. Probably a deal breaker.

I'll try to let you know later this evening how things went. The problem is, my cell phone has crashed.
Which is probably why I need to cancel said date, anyway.... I mean, what if he turns out the be a serial killer, or a bank robber, or an avid Razorback fan? What if I need my phone to call for help? What if my son needs me? What if my dog Karma, needs me? That settles it. I can't go.




















Shit.

He'll probably let me use his phone, huh? Great. Now my prints will be on a bank robber's phone.... I can't have that. Okay internetz change of your Friday night plans. I need you all to show up at Chili's tonight. 5:00. at the bar. Just incase I need to use a phone or get away from a bank robber. Who knows, maybe he'll buy you a beer....

I'm going on a date....

It's a SECOND date, well... last date. This guy is really nice.
He's TALL, 6'2". Athletic build, but not bulky. Full beard. Blue eyes. I can see the curls of his chest hair in the neck of his shirt. COMPLETELY opposite physical appearance than what I'm used to. Remember I'm attracted to the sexy bad boy....He's handsome enough though. Just seems a little fidgety.  Could be because this is our second date. Our first date we met for drinks at a restaurant in Midwest City after work one evening. I drank WAY more than I should have, which is about par for me.

Our second date was lunch at a restaurant. NO DRINKING involved. Since things aren't skewed by alcohol, I had an opportunity to pick him apart. Only in my mind of course.

He's an investigator. He tells me he does background checks and interviews for people needing security clearances for Military Bases, Airports, Prisons and such... I would guess he's not that good at it, since he's on a second date with me.... All he'd have to do to investigate me, is scroll through my facebook and see that I drink too much, have commitment issues, dysfunctional relationships and have full blown conversations with a  dog named Karma...(who wants her OWN blog. I know, someone needs to tell her she's ridiculous). That's some mental health issues waiting to bloom. Why would you go on a second date with THAT?? I know why... You're a TERRIBLE investigator.

My second date friend also has FOUR kids... all under the age of 16. Even if he was PERFECT...this would not be desirable. I have 2 kids and a dog. That makes a total of 6 kids plus a pet. I know, I double checked the numbers too. It makes me tired just to think about it. T.I.R.E.D.  He spent the whole meal talking about his kids. But in his defense, I did ask. They seem like pretty normal kids. I generally like kids. Generally. But 4 that don't belong to me, I'm not sure I'm up for that.

He lives in Moore. Which is another problem for me. I don't drive. I don't like to do it. I drive to and from work. The gym is on my way home, so that's easy enough to add in. But to just GO to Moore, Oklahoma...? ummmm... no. He says traveling isn't a problem for him. And my mind twists that to...."I'll come to YOUR house and stay".... that's where panic sets in. NOPE. No more dates. Nice to meet you.

So this guy gets a B-

Too Many Kids, Lives too far away, Terrible at his job

Dating

Dating.

I’m just not sure I want to do it. I’ve gone out on several “first dates,” a couple of second dates…and then it just stops. It’s just too much effort. And I get confused… “wife? You have a wife?”

Did you know, in the dating world now, that you have to be SPECIFIC, or else they don’t tell?
I’ve learned these lessons the hard way….multiple times…MULTIPLE, and I've only been out with less than a dozen men....

The questions I’ve learned to ask…..

Are you currently married?

    If you’re divorced, can you produce divorce papers?

Are you still sleeping with your ex?
Are you a convicted felon?  
   Have you ever been to jail?
   Do you have a protective order against you?
Do you have a steady job?
Do you have dependable transportation, which is tagged and legal?
Are you bisexual?
Do you have children by multiple women?
Do you have your own home?
Are you currently in bankruptcy?
Are you looking for a relationship, or friends with benefits?
 
These are specific question you must ask. They all require a direct answer. If they skirt the question….RED FLAG!

Each and every one of the above questions have been the direct reason there hasn’t been a third date.

I should really write about these…what do you think internetz? Would you be interested in hearing of my dating adventures? And possibly a HOW TO book of what NOT TO DO?

Then I’m left exasperated. Exhausted and Disgusted with dating.

I mean, yeah. I want the bubbling over with excitement feeling of having a new person in my life, but will this cut into my Netflix time? What about the gym? I go four days a week. Who is going to work around THAT schedule? I’ll tell you who……a married man.

Shit.

Dating sucks.

Potty Talk

On my recent trip to the casino, I stopped to use the bathroom. I did the usual, walked into the stall, had a big fight with the toilet seat cover because every time I pull one out of the dispenser or try to unfold it, it rips, which drives me insane. After the normal number of attempts (4), I finally got it right and eventually sat down. I had barely begun to pee when SWOOSH the toilet automatically flushes. Friends, I don't think five seconds had passed before the toilet bowl decided TIME'S UP! NEXT!!! I couldn't believe it. For a brief moment, I actually felt compelled to get up even though I wasn't finished peeing. I went as quickly as I could, this feeling of panic beginning to overwhelm me lest the toilet go off again sending me running, my bladder still half full.

I managed to make it through with only one flush and went to wash my hands. I am familiar with the automatic dispensing of the water and the paper towels and I think it's a very environmentally friendly idea and I support it 100%.

However, what I didn't know was that we are also apparently experiencing a shortage of soap. As I looked around for the dispenser, I noticed this very chic looking silver thing to my right. I admired it's modern design for a moment but quickly went back to looking for something with which to wash my hands. After a few moments, I realized that this little side "faucet" was actually the soap dispenser and thus put my hands underneath it and waited. A couple of seconds later the most MINUTE amount of soap slowly dripped onto the palm of my hand. It was such a tiny amount I suddenly felt like the lead character in the musical "OLIVER", "Please sir, may I have some more". It was ridiculous. So, again, I waved my hands and again this TEENY portion comes slowly dripping down. You can imagine how annoying it was so, like your average upper middle class crazy person, I felt that something needed to be said and obviously I was the one who was going to have to say it. "You've got to be kidding me," I told it. "How selfish can you be? Really?" I asked, waving my hand again for the third time. "It's soap. This isn't ..Africa.., you're not holding a bag of rice, there's plenty to go around so cough it up."

Just then another woman entered the bathroom essentially cutting off my "dialogue" with this miserly piece of metal and so I quickly started to wash my hands. As I was doing so, I heard that familiar SWOOSH sound coming from the inside of a stall and a woman's voice yelling, "What's the hurry?"

I Can't Maturbate in Here

After a horrendous day today, I treated myself to a nice hot bath and a glass of wine. I went all out and used both my Kama Sutra Treasures of the Sea bath salts and Mr. Bubble for sensitive skin.  The water was a gorgeous aquamarine color with about 5 inches of wonderful bubbles floating on top.

Ahhhhhh... the hot water enveloped me and it felt super.

Now what?

I don't know about you, but a bath always seems like a good idea until I've been in there for roughly 2 minutes and then I'm bored and want to get out, but I can't. I feel guilty wasting all that hot water and force myself to stay at least until my toes are pruny.

"What can I do?" I wondered while studying the ceiling and lightly drumming Ode to Joy with my nails on the side of the tub. I'd most certainly drop a book in the water, so that thought was immediately out. I considered masturbating, but that doesn't work so well under water. I thought some light stretching might be nice, but it turned into something more like Pilates instead and I slipped under the water and dearly drowned. I considered shaving, but who wants to sit in all those yucky little hairs? Counting bubbles was a lesson in frustration since I can only count to 100 without becoming terribly confused. I re-visited the masturbation issue, but did not overturn my initial decision. I finally settled on seeing if I could agitate the Mr. Bubble enough for the bubbles to go over the sides of the tub. It worked, I got a little arm workout, and I was satisfied that my bath was not a waste of time and water. I got out, lobster red, and more relaxed that I was before.

And that's how I entertained myself in the tub tonight.

You thought it was a masturbation story, didn't you?

It's always something with me

I went to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I grabbed a cart and got about 10 feet from the cart corral before realizing I had an unbelievably loud and annoying "crazy wheel" in the front. You know, the one that does whatever it wants, when it wants.

The bad seed.

Because I always think I can somehow jerk it back into a normal wheel position and make it behave, I kept using the cart - pushing harder, making zig zag turns, cursing at it - but nothing worked and now I was too far from the corral.

Too late to go back and get a normal cart. I'll just deal with this. But how can I make this thing quieter? Honestly, I sounded like a car crash, screeching metal on metal, so loud everyone turned around to look and get out of my way.

I quickly decided that if the crazy wheel didn't actually touch the floor, it couldn't make any noise.

SO I basically popped a wheelie with the cart and drove it down each aisle on its hind wheels.

No, this didn't look goofy at all

Toothpaste. Put the cart down. Pop a wheelie. Move along.

Tissues. Put the cart down. Pop a wheelie. Move along.

No, not goofy at all.

My wheelie shopping was a success until I collected too many things that I couldn't pop wheelies anymore.

So I went back to screeching and having a perpetual car accident all the way through the rest of the store, paid for my stuff and got the hell outta there.

My advice? Just take the damn thing back and get another one because you can't win with a screwy wheel. Not even if you drive it on two good wheels and do all your shopping like it's the first time you've ever seen a shopping cart and don't know how to use it.